Brain Dump

Lite rain, I can tell by the gentle rhythm on the porch roofs echoing thru the house. Workshop is finished , the reality of my moms death has returned. The last day in the workshop was difficult for me. I felt squirmy ,unsettled a surprise to me. I love painting portraits . I did struggle, I reframed from using the big brush! The smoothing out of edges, I followed David's method . I'm panicked , he was do reassuring , I just love his philosophy. More writing to be entered as I reflect more on the week.

I find myself staring out the window of the 144 bus on lake shore drive,watching the lake pass by with tears welling in my eyes. It's so strange to be happy painting then crying . Maybe I'm not as happy as I pretend to be. I look around the bus full of people of all ages, what's their story. Some ware it outwardly but others are great actors. You can be alive and not have pain and a backpack full of emotions. I want to paint them all. Hear their story's. I love you Mom......

Finished ........

Before break, I struggled with the near to far and the angel of the bench. He was pretty much satisfied with Leslie's and my set up. Just a few minor adjustments, take some of the leaves off . I used the inner glow panels, which I like very much. A nice change from the #15 clausen I have been using . The people at Inner Glow were available to take my order after closing and shipped it to my location after a slight miss communication . If you like a slick surface to paint on being 1/2 in thick they are sure not to warp. True to form, I broke out in a sweat and became frustrated with my paints my self and the surface. After all these years I still feel inadequate, self conscious ..... The whole ball of wax. I couldn't get the paint to flow properly , it wouldn't stick......this has been a problem for a while. I thought it was the #15 that was the problem , or to much medium. It's not enough paint! Well I will see this after noon when we paint. I had time to put a...

Eyes are blurred and burning as I watch the scenery flash buy from the train window. On my way to The Palette and Chisel to begin a four day workshop with David Laffel . In desperate need to be away for a few days, what better way to spend a short needed break, learning more about your craft with a fabulous painter and person. A rare combination.

Monday, Monday.........like the mama and papas. I was exhausted, fighting with grief , took a short but sweet trip to Texas to see the Freud exhibit. What a beautiful show, inspirational. But this Monday I was exhausted, I arrived home Thursday night. To a mess, as usual. I could feel the feelings of grief......like driving into a thick fog . To say that it was " an unavailing would be to delicate.....subtle. Nothing like subtle, bam! The wall of grief surrounding me like a long lost friend smothering me almost to the point that I can't breath. Gasping for air, it wraps me a warm blanket of sadness . Expecting to be chilled oddly it was neither warm nor cold, just there. A feeling of pressure , of sadness, oddly not alone. For I had all my memories. I found myself wanting to take a giant leap into the past, but I'm being pushed into the future. Literally pushed, I felt a soft push in the middle of my lower back, a firm but loving push of a mother to be present in...