Today……Wednesday the 28th of April…….what a beautiful day. I slept very well for the first time in a long time. As you know I have that rotator cuff problem, it keeps me up at night but apparently I must have been exhausted, but also calm. Let me explain. You might want to get a coffee, tea , wine etc. but do come back.
Calm oh yes….. yesterday after a morning of spinning and chatting at Starbucks my friend texted me that she had decided to paint at home instead of going into the city. I ran over dutifully as a faithful dog, sat in her big fluffy comfortable chair in her new studio and we began to go over all her previous nights work. Nanette is a power painter, just churning out the work, good stuff. I made an off-hand comment about myself ..negative and she took me to task, but you have to know that in our “E” meeting, during our critique, one of my fellow artists in the group proudly stated that she has figured out that my work is floundering around because I lack confidence…HMMMMM….what do you say, it’s the truth. As usual I took it in stride. I have been roasted by many an artist/critic and a few famous people.
Meanwhile at home for the past two weeks or more I have been an absolute bear to live with. Getting upset about yard work not getting done to my specifications, floors not washed and so on, get the picture, a real bitch on wheels or in this case a………
Nanette took me to task immediately, and you have to know this is a woman who could never say anything bad about anybody, and here she is taking me to task. To say I was shocked would be an understatement, I think I was more in denial that she was even addressing my issues with me. I started to talk……about what had happened at the “E” group how I felt and I started to hear voices from the past that have haunted me…. every once in while when I can pull myself out of the depths of denial I can hear John from Startoons “Boy I can hardly wait until you stop holding back”…….or “you let lose” or something along those lines, my friend Dawn ....It doesn’t take much to throw you into a spin, to derail you. You go along fine and something happens …like life, you go into a tale spin. Why are you so moody and crabby, my youngest son. Hmmmm, let me think why, because you didn’t do what I had asked…woooo….he did do what I had asked him, but not to my perfectionist eye, wait, me a perfectionist, you would never tell by my house, hahaha, I rarely have people over, and when I do, oh boy I torture myself……and Maybe just maybe everyone that is trying to help me. But really I am a nice person….. really.
Back to Nanette’s studio: while looking and helping her find solutions, mulling over the meaning of light, etc. I found another piece to the very large puzzle that I have in many cases had together, but chose to destroy. I have spent the last 16 years putting the pieces together, I would have said back together but I’m convinced that I never had it all together…..hahahah and I probably don’t now, but it makes so much sense to me now. For 16-17 years I have carried John’s comment that he made over a beer…It has haunted me….I know now why. And what it means. Lack of confidence as boldly and as plainly as Vee stated at our “E” critique. Simply put, yet a very large issue…. Confidence in my work as an artist. Let me say that again for myself so I understand it. Confidence in my self as an artist…. Oh how I have protected and defended that confidence issue that multifaceted issue that shines so brightly and brings with it a whole host of other issues. One being caring what other people think doesn’t that tie in with self esteem issues. Isn’t that part of the root, I know there are many reasons for self esteem issues one could google it or step into a self-help section of a bookstore and find shelves devoted to just how to improve your self esteem…my personal favorites, Barnes and Noble or Amazon, one can feel overwhelmed with different theories and approaches , my favorite is blame the parents, your school etc…. What it boils down to, for me, is to just meet everything head on, understand and move forward….hahahah the perfectionist in me once again…..but not so fast. That can be very helpful if used in the right context. Also the lack of confidence, keep you humble, thinking about what others think may also keep you evaluating yourself, if done in a constructive way…..I have taken these to the extreme. And will probably keep tripping up doing more or less to some degree. But I am happy to finally learn that my past friends, fellow artists and bosses all have know all along , that I really do have talent. I share with their frustration now. I shouldn’t be afraid of the power that I have within myself and be comfortable with unleashing that power……I write this mostly for myself so that I can revisit it when I feel that I need. That lack of control feeling, the feeling that everyone is judging you and frankly most people don’t care and if they do that’s their issue not mine.
I’ll leave that to the critics to decide, and who’s to say that they really know anything either. Life is a work in progress and it has been shown over and over again that there are no absolutes.
But it is different this time I’m not sitting on the floor in a bookstore poring thru books looking for answers, asking others what I should do next, what do you think, and frankly my dear Scarlet “I don’t give a damn” what you think.. Well maybe a little.
A work in progress just like my art work -- a work in progress.